After El Salvador

After El Salvador (to pair with the previous post)

After El Salvador, I had the worst summer of my life.
... my boyfriend broke up with me.
... my Casa family was falling apart
... we were all a mess
... I cried a lot
... I was really angry
... I had a lot of questions
... part of me tried to forget and move on
... I felt alone, but in a different way than before
... I wanted to go back
... I had one of the most profound religious experiences of my life
... I changed my plans
... I stayed in school another year
... I studied theology and women's studies, and I loved it
... I dropped the Spanish major. I already knew I could speak and live it, so what did I need a title for?
... I found new communities and clung to them for dear life
... I found other friends who had been broken by Latin America
... I held a garage sale and tried to sell almost everything I owned
... I offended those who had gifted me beautiful presents by selling them for $1 or $5
... I got rid of my closet full of shoes
... I made a decision to only read non-fiction books to learn more about the world
... I felt guilty for abandoning my friends and family
... I didn't write like I said I would
... I thought about El Salvador every day in some small way
... I had a newly kindled fire inside of me
... I had a lot of questions.. I still have a lot of questions
... I started exploring the divine feminine, and found a lot of power in her, in me
... I was so acutely aware of language, especially the masculine language that dominated the Church
... I realized there was no such thing as a just war, but that maybe an armed revolution was sometimes the only choice left
... There were no black and white, easy answers
... I knew I could never love America, the country of my birth, again
... I was challenged to live out the radical hospitality and love I received, and I often fail
... I questioned everything people in power told me, especially politicians
... I still get angry
... I still cry when I think about my beloveds in El Salvador
... I still have a fire in my belly

Before El Slavador

My writing class professor asked if I ever write about El Salvador.  And I don't.  So I did.

One week can change your life.  My life was forever changed in one week's time.  And then imagine what the four months did....

Before El Salvador...
Before El Salvador, I had never left the country.
... I had a very limited and one-sided world view.
... I thought one of the most pressing moral and ethical issues of our day was abortion.
... I had never seriously thought about what it means to be a woman in the world.
... I had never seen a woman priest; I never thought women could be priests.
... I had never heard about liberation theology; I had never read The Struggle Is One
... I didn't know how to Be Peace, and see the interconnectedness of all life
... I didn't know if my Spanish was any good, if I could really communicate in another language.
... I had never met Isabel, the bravest woman I know.
... I had never heard first hand accounts of what it's like to fight a war, live through a war, on your own soil, in your own neighborhood.
... I thought I knew what it meant to love.  I was wrong.
... I had never tasted a delicious pupusa
... I never heard of refugee camps from the personal account of a woman who lived in one, gave birth in one.
... I never understood the profound courage of a woman standing up for herself and her family in a machista society where she could have been killed.
... I didn't know how to make tortillas; although my sad attempt today cannot live up to my Salvadoran sisters and mothers
... I had a feeling there was something more out there.  After El Salvador I knew there was.
... I had never stood on sacred ground where others had sacrificed their lives for their beliefs in something good, a better ways of being together and loving one another.
... I had never had to contemplate the profound horror of hundreds of innocent children slaughtered in a single place and a mother listening to the cries and pleas of her own children as it happened.
... I undervalued the power of women when we get together and share our stories
... I didn't know Oti, Lolo, Elizabeth, Karen, Oscar, and so many others...
... I only thought I knew what a broken heart was
... the world made some sense
... I thought I was old for my age
... I thought I knew a lot and was well informed
... I loved buying shoes and had a closet full of them
... I had rarely, if ever, shown my own brokenness, fear, sadness
... I was a different person

My host family in Ellacuria, El Salvador with Isabel, the bravest woman I know (Spring 2006)

Casa Spring 2007

Holy Week and Mom's visit

Well, it's been a while. Obviously I didn't finish out my Lentan goal of writing one post every day, but that's pretty typical for me to have a good run with the Lentan promise and it kind of fizzles out in the end. Preparing for Holy Week got pretty busy at the parish, so I'm using that as part excuse :) A few months ago I was elected the director of our theater group at the parish, so I've been in charge of all the shows since then, including our production of Via Crucis (Way of the Cross) for Good Friday. We had practices for 3 weeks leading up to the final day and I was still nervous because people didn't remember their lines or their cues, but in the end you have to just give it all up to God and hope that everything goes well. And honestly it did. Sure there were glitches like not having our voice recordings for the majority of the stations and having the priest disappear for 3 of the stations and having to improvise prayers, but I was proud of all the participants and especially the principle actors did a great job. Wed-Friday of Holy Week was a bit of a blur with all the preparations for Via Crucis in making sure the neighborhood was prepared to receive us at each station (the neighbors prepared a small altar marking each station), coordinating all the sound and tech support, picking up all the costumes and ironing (thanks mom! she spent almost 3 hours ironing for us), and making sure we had all the necessary props, etc. And after all the craziness, the final production I would say was a success. Unfortunately for me, looking back I realize I wasn't able to be present to the power of the moment in just accompanying and reflecting because I was so worried about all the details and keeping things running smoothly for all the other participants. I wonder if there is a way to do both? Or if the people in charge of organization and follow through can never fully participate in the activitiy itself? This is why it is important to find moments and activities that I'm not in charge of to participate in, so I too can take a step back to just be and enjoy or reflect.


The best part about Holy Week was that my mom came down to visit! She arrived late Monday night and we were back in Chimbote Tuesday evening in time to finish preparations for my birthday party. I would definitely have to say it was one of the best birthdays ever, considering the context and all the people who were there to celebrate with me Peruvian style. With the help of my boyfriend, roommates, and other Peruvian friends I threw a typical Peruvian party which mostly just includes food, drinks, and lots of music and dancing. I was so happy to see so many people from the parish come to celebrate with me and it was a great chance for me to offer them my thanks as well for welcoming me into their communities and taking time to all celebrate our friendships and life! And the fact that my mom, the amazing woman who gave birth to me and raised me, was here in Peru to celebrate my birthday and see in person where I am and what I'm doing made it an incredibly blessed birthday filled with overwhelming gratitude.










Singing Feliz Cumpleaños Mom and I with my English class


For our Easter celebration, the missionaries invited the CCVI Sisters over for a lunch with touches of typical U.S. Easter tradmarks. Thanks to my mom for bringing down Easter grass, chocolate eggs, jelly bean eggs, peeps, and chocolate bunnies that made up our centerpiece! I think for some of the Peruvian and Mexican sisters this was the first time they had some of the traditional Easter treats from the U.S. It was a beautiful meal shared together to celebrate new life and the life our our congregation here in Chimbote.


On Monday morning Mom and I headed back to Lima to spend a few days sight-seeing and relaxing after a busy week. It was a great mini-vacation for me filled with some good American comfort food, warm water, a comfy bed, a trip to the beach, and a traditional Peruvian dance show. I was reflecting a lot on this little vacation of fun and relaxation and the difference with daily life here in Chimbote. To be honest, I loved every minute of life with my mom in Lima for those 3 days. I thought I would feel uncomfortable, or guilty like I have a lot in the past when I transition from enviornments of poverty to wealth, but the truth is I was just so grateful for everything. And I think that might be the secret to happiness.... well ok, I don't know if it's the secret, but I do think there is a lot of wisdom in gratitude. How does one move from one enviornment to another, from poverty to wealth, joy to sorrow, ugliness to beauty, death to life, all of these components that encompass life at different moments, or in the same moment? And I think my answer right now is gratitude. Gratitude for having and not having, for knowing it all and being able to live it all. Something new to learn in each moment and environment, and the challenge to find gratitude in it all. Also, I think balance is important to really live it all - being comfortable and uncomfortable, mourning and celebrating.

So I end with gratitude for my Holy Week experience in Chimbote, a birthday celebration with friends and family, and a great vacation and quality time with my mom. May you all find gratitude wherever you are.

Paz y Amor

Gratitude

(I first wrote this 2 years ago and am re-copying it from my other blog where it was first published. I still heartily believe in everything I wrote and wanted to share it with those who might not have read it the first time, or forgot.)

The most profound gratitude I have experienced is from people who have the least. This Thanksgiving gratitude list is dedicated to my brothers and sisters who seem to have little to be thankful for yet continue to remind and teach me what true gratitude is.

I am grateful for community, the presence of others.

I am grateful for smiles in all shapes and sizes: smiles with missing teeth, smiles with rotting teeth, smiles with no teeth.

I am grateful for hands: hands that are wrinkled and calloused and worn from years of working, serving, and loving; the tiny hands of a baby that can only hold onto one of my fingers; hands that bring new life into this world, hands that cook, and feed, and nurture; hands that create beautiful works of art, music, and literature; hands that exchange greetings between friends.

I am grateful for eyes: eyes that sparkle and dance with life, eyes that shed tears - of joy and sorrow, eyes that speak a thousand words of unimagined horrors and hardships, eyes surrounded by wrinkles, eyes hidden behind a straw hat or veil, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, my eyes - that witness it all.

I am grateful for friends: friends who let me be, friends who challenge me to be more, friends who listen, friends who don't understand and make me explain, friends who ask for nothing, friends who demand everything, friends who do not know me but inspire and encourage me, friends with whom I can be in silence when words are insufficient.

I am grateful for nature: for the sun that rises every morning - consistent and reliable, warming the earth and giving life; for the beautiful flowers, for trees that bear fruit and refresh our bodies, for the rain that helps life grow, for the breeze that cools on unbearably hot days, for all the colors of the rainbow reflected in the creation that surrounds us.

I am grateful for shared meals: dividing what one has and sharing with all who are present, trusting that what there is will be enough and giving thanks that it always is enough, nourishing not only our bodies but our hearts and souls as well in the company of friends who always have an extra place at the table, where all are invited and welcomed.

I am grateful for water: clean drinking water, water that falls from the sky, water that falls from eyes, water that flows through the earth, water that flows through my body, water that washes away the dirt and filth, water that I don't have to walk 5 miles to collect, water that refreshes on a hot day, holy water, ocean water, water free and available for all, water - the life giver and sustainer.

I am grateful for sharing out of one's substance, not out of one's excess.

I am grateful for moments of peace in a war torn world.

I am grateful for those who do not make excuses, who do not give up, who do not give in, and who consequently give their whole lives striving for peace and justice.

I am grateful for memories: sacred moments shared with loved ones, laughter, tears, joy, sorrow, images, sounds, feelings, that I will keep with me forever and that can never be taken away, all that I have received and hold onto.

I am grateful for forgiveness: the ability to change and grow, the courage to admit mistakes and the strength to heal, the power of reconciliation with one another and within ourselves, the simple yet profound beauty of saying I'm sorry and I forgive you.

I am grateful for the daily bits of Good News: beautiful weather, a child's laughter, conversation with an old friend, time to breathe and be at peace, a goal accomplished, a hug, a smile, sparkling white snow that covers the earth, new life, not going hungry, a warm bed, bare feet in the cool grass, dancing in the rain, music that touches the soul....

I am grateful for You and Us, the collective We that Are.

A sincere and heartfelt Thank You this Thanksgiving holiday season.