After El Salvador

After El Salvador (to pair with the previous post)

After El Salvador, I had the worst summer of my life.
... my boyfriend broke up with me.
... my Casa family was falling apart
... we were all a mess
... I cried a lot
... I was really angry
... I had a lot of questions
... part of me tried to forget and move on
... I felt alone, but in a different way than before
... I wanted to go back
... I had one of the most profound religious experiences of my life
... I changed my plans
... I stayed in school another year
... I studied theology and women's studies, and I loved it
... I dropped the Spanish major. I already knew I could speak and live it, so what did I need a title for?
... I found new communities and clung to them for dear life
... I found other friends who had been broken by Latin America
... I held a garage sale and tried to sell almost everything I owned
... I offended those who had gifted me beautiful presents by selling them for $1 or $5
... I got rid of my closet full of shoes
... I made a decision to only read non-fiction books to learn more about the world
... I felt guilty for abandoning my friends and family
... I didn't write like I said I would
... I thought about El Salvador every day in some small way
... I had a newly kindled fire inside of me
... I had a lot of questions.. I still have a lot of questions
... I started exploring the divine feminine, and found a lot of power in her, in me
... I was so acutely aware of language, especially the masculine language that dominated the Church
... I realized there was no such thing as a just war, but that maybe an armed revolution was sometimes the only choice left
... There were no black and white, easy answers
... I knew I could never love America, the country of my birth, again
... I was challenged to live out the radical hospitality and love I received, and I often fail
... I questioned everything people in power told me, especially politicians
... I still get angry
... I still cry when I think about my beloveds in El Salvador
... I still have a fire in my belly

Before El Slavador

My writing class professor asked if I ever write about El Salvador.  And I don't.  So I did.

One week can change your life.  My life was forever changed in one week's time.  And then imagine what the four months did....

Before El Salvador...
Before El Salvador, I had never left the country.
... I had a very limited and one-sided world view.
... I thought one of the most pressing moral and ethical issues of our day was abortion.
... I had never seriously thought about what it means to be a woman in the world.
... I had never seen a woman priest; I never thought women could be priests.
... I had never heard about liberation theology; I had never read The Struggle Is One
... I didn't know how to Be Peace, and see the interconnectedness of all life
... I didn't know if my Spanish was any good, if I could really communicate in another language.
... I had never met Isabel, the bravest woman I know.
... I had never heard first hand accounts of what it's like to fight a war, live through a war, on your own soil, in your own neighborhood.
... I thought I knew what it meant to love.  I was wrong.
... I had never tasted a delicious pupusa
... I never heard of refugee camps from the personal account of a woman who lived in one, gave birth in one.
... I never understood the profound courage of a woman standing up for herself and her family in a machista society where she could have been killed.
... I didn't know how to make tortillas; although my sad attempt today cannot live up to my Salvadoran sisters and mothers
... I had a feeling there was something more out there.  After El Salvador I knew there was.
... I had never stood on sacred ground where others had sacrificed their lives for their beliefs in something good, a better ways of being together and loving one another.
... I had never had to contemplate the profound horror of hundreds of innocent children slaughtered in a single place and a mother listening to the cries and pleas of her own children as it happened.
... I undervalued the power of women when we get together and share our stories
... I didn't know Oti, Lolo, Elizabeth, Karen, Oscar, and so many others...
... I only thought I knew what a broken heart was
... the world made some sense
... I thought I was old for my age
... I thought I knew a lot and was well informed
... I loved buying shoes and had a closet full of them
... I had rarely, if ever, shown my own brokenness, fear, sadness
... I was a different person

My host family in Ellacuria, El Salvador with Isabel, the bravest woman I know (Spring 2006)

Casa Spring 2007

Constructive Concern

Preparing to leave for Peru in less than 48 hours now, I am aware of the large community I have supporting me, and I thank each and everyone of you. I am also aware that many are worried or concerned for my safety and well-being. I would like to challenge you to worry or be concerned just as much for all those who daily live the realities I will be experiencing and worse. If you hope that I am welcomed by the community, ask yourself if you are welcoming to strangers and offer hospitality to those who are new or in need. If you worry about me not having enough to eat, think of the thousands who die daily from starvation, they are part of my body as well. If you worry about me being robbed, think of those who not only have money or possessions stolen, but have their houses destroyed and their land taken away. Hundreds if not thousands are robbed daily of their culture, their roots, their home and family. If you worry about me being sick, think of all the preventable diseases which claim the lives of many because we have not learned how to share our resources and knowledge. If you worry about my health and saftey, ask why my health and safety are threatened. What are the structures that create poverty so some must steal from others because they have been stolen from? Or why are there greater health risks in impoverished areas with little to no health care? See if any of your worries or concerns for me can become motivations for social and structural change. Everything is interconnected and we are all part of the same body and the one Spirit. When one part suffers, we all suffer, and when one part rejoices we all rejoice. If you care about me, if you care about yourself, care about Our body and work to protect it. Work to ensure that all parts, all peoples, are treated with dignity and respect, and in that I too will be treated with dignity and respect.

Suffering exerpt

I read this the other day and found it powerful and insightful and wanted to share it since one of the motivations of walking with the people of Peru is the suffering I previously experienced in El Salvador and Central America which changed the way I walk forever.

A passage from The Simple Feeling of Being by Ken Wilber:

"Suffer, then, is the initial moment of the recognition of false boundaries. Correctly understood, it is therefore liberating, for it points beyond boundaries altogether. We suffer, then, not because we are sick, but because intelligent insight is emerging. ... For concealed within this basic unhappiness with life and existence is the embryo of a growing intelligence, a special intelligence usually buried under the immense weight of social shams. A person who is beginning to sense the suffer of life is, at the same time, beginning to awaken to deeper realities, truer realities. For suffering smashes to pieces the complacency of our normal fictions about reality and forces us to become alive in a special sense - to see carefully, to feel deeply, to touch ourselves and our worlds in ways we have heretofore avoided. It has been said, and truly I think, that suffering is the first grace." (pg. 73-74)