Have a little fun this year

During the past week, I've had multiple occasions to reflect on this delightful part of being human: having fun and enjoying our capacities!  Maybe a New Year's resolution for myself will be to have more fun.  Do at least 1 fun thing per day that has no goal or end for anything other than just delighting in the act of being alive with infinite capacities and knowing it.  I went sledding and played in the snow with my nephews over Christmas.  It was a blast!  We had so much fun.  I watched the Nutcracker and delighted in the beauty of the ways a human body can move and speak with no words uttered.  I try to take intentional time each day to play with my puppy who is an absolute joy.  I delight in writing (sometimes) when the writing is free and unrestricted and not for a specific end that makes me worry about its goodness or doubt my own brilliance.  Dancing and singing are fun when you just let loose and enjoy it, not trying to impress anyone. 

There are so many fun activities we can do!  Find things that make you laugh and laugh every day.  There are always things to complain about, but there are also always things to just delight and wonder in.  The cloud is in the paper, and the grandmother is in the child, and the tree is in me, and all of life is an astounding miracle of interbeing!  We have an incredible capacity as human beings to create, to bring something new into the world.  This is amazing, and we should exercise this creative capacity every chance we get.

So my advice for the new year is have fun, the kind of fun that makes your soul burst open with laughter and pure delight in whatever you just did.  Delight in the miracle of life.  Do something to shake things up; remind yourself you are alive and that is a miracle.  Create something new; learn something new, and not because  you have to, but because you can.  If you don't know how to have fun, or what to do, spend at least 30 min. playing with a child.  Let him or her be in charge.  Follow their lead and loosen up your imagination.  Try to see through their eyes.  Dream.

Some of the most developed and industrial nations are also some of the unhappiest.  I believe there is a connection.  Too much work, too much seriousness and pressure for perfection and competition, and not enough play.  People who spend time with family and friends, engage in meaningful work, rest, and play are much happier.  From my time in Latin America one of the big lessons I learned was to celebrate, and celebrate often.  So, this year I'm going to add some more play time into my days, and I invite you to join me.  We can delight in being human together!

A few of my favorite things...

In the spirit of the holiday season, these are a few of my favorite things...
(in no particular order)

listening to and singing Christmas music
decorating our apartment
colors of red and green all over
Christmas lights!
hot cocoa with marshmallows after being outside in the cold
snow! (if we're lucky enough to get any...)
snow activities like sledding, snowball fights, and snowpeople
sweaters with leggings and thick socks
the smell of pine in my living room from a real Christmas tree
decorating the tree with 25+ years of ornaments
hanging stockings over the fireplace
making a stocking for my little girl Bella
St Nicks Day (even though I know what I'm getting because I'm the one who does the buying now)
Advent - preparing to welcome the Light of Christ into the world
Advent calendar (the real ones that tell a story, not that have chocolate)
Advent wreath and lighting another candle each week
baking Christmas cookies
decorating Christmas cookies
my grandma Abler's fudge
chocolate covered pretzels
spending time with extended family I rarely see
the joy and excitement of children, especially my nephews

What are some of your favorite things?

Christmas 2011

Thanksgiving

(written this morning at Northwest Coffee)

I'm thankful for...
The present moment
people who turn garages into coffee shops
chai tea latte
writing
writing with friends
friends
friends who keep me accountable to myself
friends who take time to check in
my many circles of awakening and liberation
co-counseling
Sts. Clare and Francis, ECC
Writing to Wake Up
Saturday morning Sangha

I'm thankful
for these hands
that are writing
these words
for two good legs
to get me where I want to go
for feet
that make the road by walking
for this brilliant brain of mine
that can think a new thought every second
for my big bottomless heart
that welcomes the world in
for my life
that has been blessed
to cross the path
of so many amazing
spirits/teachers/friends/beloveds

I'm thankful
for the words of others
who inspire me
to find my own
who let me know
I'm not alone
who create worlds
I can escape into
when I just need a break

I'm thankful
for all the tears I've shed
because I've loved so hard

I'm thankful
for all the laughs
that extend my life

I'm thankful
for the hospitality
I have received
the homes and families
I've been welcomed into
the embraces and kisses on the cheek
the firm handshakes
and hand holding

I'm thankful
for human connection
for knowing that
I am because you are
for earth connection
for roots
for fresh grown food with love
for communities of resistance
who believe in a better way

I'm thankful
for those who can still inspire me
in a world full of
bad news
I'm thankful
for good news

I'm thankful
for the women
who have gone before me
and sacrificed so much
so that I have more opportunities
more freedom
and we're not done yet

I'm thankful
for the ordinary people
who did extraordinary things
do extraordinary things

I'm thankful
for the women
who teach their children well
I'm thankful for children
the little ones
who remind us
how to be fresh from God
newly human
exploring the world
with energy and enthusiasm
and creativity and curiosity

I'm thankful
for these eyes
that get to witness
the mystery and beauty
of the world daily unfolding
and these ears
that can listen
to great symphonies
spoken word
and the stories of others

writing blocks 11/17

Why I don't share my writing/ Why I often just don't write anything...

Because nothing ever feels complete.  I just read over the piece I wrote on the martyrs.  I hate it.  It's scrambled eggs.  It is thrown together thoughts from this place, and that book, and her story.  It's not complete.  It's not coherent.  It's scrambled eggs.  And I don't want to put it out there, to the world, if it's not perfect.  And it never will be.  Nothing ever is.  I can't say I honestly feel really content with anything I've ever written or shared.  I believe parts of it are good.  I think maybe you'll read it and think, well that line was really powerful, or I like this story or image she shared.  But the written work in general, the complete piece.... no good.  garbage even.  There were so many holes, more than swiss cheese.  Maybe some parts were too cheesy... or too preachy... or too sentimental.  Maybe there will be too many questions and not enough time for answers, not enough time to explain myself.  I could edit my work.  But I don't think I would like it any more or feel any more satisfied with the finished product.  And if I waited and edited and re-wrote until I thought it was complete, and accurate, and I was thoroughly pleased.... it would never be published.  You wouldn't even be privileged to the half thoughts, and run on sentences, and stream of conscious ramblings.  If I think too much about my writing, I go crazy, and drive myself into a deeper hole of doubt and fear where my thoughts and writings stay buried.  So I push forward with feelings of unsettled stomach and doubting mind.  I write, and I'm sharing what I write.  I think, and I put those thoughts out there.  They aren't everything, but they are something.  I'm not trying to sum up my entire being, life experience, world view, and/or personal beliefs every time I share a thought.  It is a part, never a whole, and you need to accept that just as much as I do.  To sit with the uneasiness of imperfection, of empty spaces where maybe you want more details.  And I might change thoughts and words from one day to the next, or one moment to the next.  In the words of Whitman: "I'm large, I contain multitudes."  So no piece of writing will ever contain the whole ocean, but maybe a drop of water is just as valuable and still worth sharing - one drop at a time. 

A Letter To Dorothy Day

In my writing class last Thursday one of the practices was to "Write a letter to someone (in)famous in history, someone really dastardly, or someone really inspiring."  This was the letter I wrote:

Dear Dorothy,

So they're talking about making you a saint.  Have you heard?  Can you believe it?  Are you rolling over in your grave right now?  I have to admit I sort of laughed out loud when I first saw the facebook post: USCCB overwhelmingly supports making Dorothy Day a saint.  I thought it was a joke.  Maybe something from the Onion.  Seriously? These same men who are leading the witch hunt against nuns and girl scouts?  These same men who sit on thrones in fine robes and never go for wont of a good meal or warm comfy bed?  These same men want to lift up you and your life's work amongst the ranks of the saints. What are they playing at?  These men who so easily can say they support you but then continue to condemn the holy women of today who continue your works of mercy, serving the poor.  What do you think about this?  There seems to be a lot of support among the laity as well for making you a saint.  But has everyone forgotten that infamous phrase you told us?  "Don't call me a saint, I don't want to be dismissed so easily."  You didn't want to be a saint when you were alive, how about now that you're dead?  You wanted to remind us that there was nothing extraordinary about you and your beliefs.  Your life's work was and is the call of all who follow Christ.  This is who we are called to be.  This is the message Christ gave us to love one another, serve the least of these, and that whatever we do for our brother or sister we do for him.  So what happens now future Saint Dorothy?  How does your memory live on in the Church and the world?  What is it that you want to remind us of?  What words of wisdom do you have today for those who wish to call you saint? 

Catholicism... some reflections

          I recently had the opportunity to attend two national Catholic gatherings within a period of three weeks. The first was the Synod of the Ecumenical Catholic Communion(ECC) held in Orange, CA where I attended as an elected lay delegate from my parish Sts Clare and Francis here in St. Louis, MO. The second was the 2012 Call To Action Conference held in Louisville, KY which I attended through my position as program coordinator with the Catholic Action Network, an affiliate organization of Call To Action. It was a very interesting experience to attend these national gatherings of Catholics within such a close time proximity. It gave me a sharp sense of comparison between my differing roles in both communities, and also what I observed and felt to be a very different spirit present in each gathering.

           While I went into the Call To Action Conference with high hopes and energy for being with hundreds of other progressive Catholics, I was surprised to find that I took on the attitude of an observer or ally. Much of the conference, including its keynote speakers, addressed the issues of needed reform in the structure and lived practice of the Roman Catholic Church. Presenters spoke to the Church being the people of God and calling us to be and fight for the church we want to see in the world. Two of the presenters mentioned that the Roman hierarchy is in schism by not following Vatican II, and thus there is really no need to wait for them to change or take orders from above, because they have effectively separated themselves from the Church. The struggle of women religious was lifted up and supported, and cheap shots were made at bishops, cardinals, and even the pope when opportune. This was a gathering of people who for the past 50 years since the second Vatican Council have been fighting to live a different model of Church, and have been fighting against a hierarchy that has not only been unwilling to implement the many teachings and declarations of Vatican II, but has been trying to reverse it all together. So given the many messages listed and the present reality, why are all these people still fighting 50 years later? Why not channel that energy into being Christ in the world today, building the Church you believe in, and serving your neighbors?

             I found myself more an interested observer at the conference, because I was no longer in this same struggle. I have already freed myself, by the grace of God, from the confines of the Roman Catholic hierarchy, and have been blessed to find a church that is living who we want to be as Catholics in the world today. I can continue to support those who are working for reform within, but it's not personally my fight. My energy is freed up to just be who God created me to be and welcome others into a safe space to do that as well. I can focus my time and talents on building a community that truly reflects the message and life of Christ and desires my voice and opinion, rather than fighting against a brick wall of men in fancy robes who have no interest in giving me the time of day. This is the difference I noticed in myself between the two gatherings.

            The ECC has already fixed all these issues that Roman Catholics are still fighting for. All who have a vocation to the priesthood are welcomed: whether man, woman, married, divorced, gay, straight, or transgendered. Your physical body or your marital status is not the determination of who can/can't fulfill the priestly role or participate in the life of the community. No one is denied full participation in the image of God and Christ. We all have different but equally important roles to fulfill in the beloved community of Christ. And all are welcome to share in the banquet feast, because as I was reminded during one of the liturgies at the ECC synod, this is Christ's table we come to, and all are welcome at the table of the Christ.

            And the lay people have an equal voice to the ordained! There are so many people within the Roman Catholic Church whose voice has been consistently shut down or ignored. People in the pews don't have any power regarding who their priest is, or what decisions are made for the parish. The structure of the ECC spreads the power of decision making around to the whole community. With the house of pastors and the house of laity all voices are lifted up and represented. It is the lay community that calls forth its pastor to guide them and lead them in the celebration of the Holy Sacraments. And it is that same lay community that could decide to fire that same pastor if they feel they are no longer living out their priestly role in a healthy way for the community. We also get to elect our own bishops, and just like the priests, we could replace them if we feel they have strayed from the mission and faith of our community. There is collective power that is shared by each individual being free to be who God has called him or her to be, and to build a Christ-centered community together where all are welcome.

           All of these details in the structure and lived practice of the ECC made for a powerful and spirit-filled Synod. There is a limitless energy of creativity and hope of infinite possibilities. We are and can continue to be the Catholic Church we want to see in the world, and we can continue to evolve our understanding of what that means and looks like. We are not shut down in our thinking, and questioning, and visioning of where the Holy Spirit is calling us to. The voices of our elected leaders are encouraging us to go out to the world, and proclaim the good news. We are a church of the resurrection, of renewed life in Christ. We have shaken off our old chains of bondage and our spirits are free to explore ever deeper, ever more present our relationship with this dynamic God of life and infinite creativity.

            There is an old church hymn that goes, “And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love, yes they'll know we are Christians by our love.” And I often think about how the world views Christians and specifically Catholics today. If they look only to the Roman hierarchy, who claim to be the ultimate authority on all teachings and practices of the Church, then it is not love we will be known by. But if they look at the people on the ground serving their brothers and sisters, many of whom have given up on Sunday masses because they too don't see love present in the message of the priests or bishops, then maybe they'll see the love. I think both gatherings of Catholics that I attended lift up the best of the Catholic faith. These are people of love. Knowing these people, I know the mark of a Christian is love. And while some choose to stay and fight for reform within, fight to offer a voice of love against a patriarchy of exclusion and condemnation, that isn't my fight anymore. I choose to join my voice and vocation to love with others who are building a new Catholic Church, one in which our energy and time is freed up to truly practice the greatest commandments given to us: Love God with all your heart and Love your neighbor as yourself (which also implies you love yourself). And I believe that the world will see we truly are Catholic, and they will know it by our Love. 

Learn more about the Ecumenical Communion here

Check out the work of Call To Action here 

After El Salvador

After El Salvador (to pair with the previous post)

After El Salvador, I had the worst summer of my life.
... my boyfriend broke up with me.
... my Casa family was falling apart
... we were all a mess
... I cried a lot
... I was really angry
... I had a lot of questions
... part of me tried to forget and move on
... I felt alone, but in a different way than before
... I wanted to go back
... I had one of the most profound religious experiences of my life
... I changed my plans
... I stayed in school another year
... I studied theology and women's studies, and I loved it
... I dropped the Spanish major. I already knew I could speak and live it, so what did I need a title for?
... I found new communities and clung to them for dear life
... I found other friends who had been broken by Latin America
... I held a garage sale and tried to sell almost everything I owned
... I offended those who had gifted me beautiful presents by selling them for $1 or $5
... I got rid of my closet full of shoes
... I made a decision to only read non-fiction books to learn more about the world
... I felt guilty for abandoning my friends and family
... I didn't write like I said I would
... I thought about El Salvador every day in some small way
... I had a newly kindled fire inside of me
... I had a lot of questions.. I still have a lot of questions
... I started exploring the divine feminine, and found a lot of power in her, in me
... I was so acutely aware of language, especially the masculine language that dominated the Church
... I realized there was no such thing as a just war, but that maybe an armed revolution was sometimes the only choice left
... There were no black and white, easy answers
... I knew I could never love America, the country of my birth, again
... I was challenged to live out the radical hospitality and love I received, and I often fail
... I questioned everything people in power told me, especially politicians
... I still get angry
... I still cry when I think about my beloveds in El Salvador
... I still have a fire in my belly

Before El Slavador

My writing class professor asked if I ever write about El Salvador.  And I don't.  So I did.

One week can change your life.  My life was forever changed in one week's time.  And then imagine what the four months did....

Before El Salvador...
Before El Salvador, I had never left the country.
... I had a very limited and one-sided world view.
... I thought one of the most pressing moral and ethical issues of our day was abortion.
... I had never seriously thought about what it means to be a woman in the world.
... I had never seen a woman priest; I never thought women could be priests.
... I had never heard about liberation theology; I had never read The Struggle Is One
... I didn't know how to Be Peace, and see the interconnectedness of all life
... I didn't know if my Spanish was any good, if I could really communicate in another language.
... I had never met Isabel, the bravest woman I know.
... I had never heard first hand accounts of what it's like to fight a war, live through a war, on your own soil, in your own neighborhood.
... I thought I knew what it meant to love.  I was wrong.
... I had never tasted a delicious pupusa
... I never heard of refugee camps from the personal account of a woman who lived in one, gave birth in one.
... I never understood the profound courage of a woman standing up for herself and her family in a machista society where she could have been killed.
... I didn't know how to make tortillas; although my sad attempt today cannot live up to my Salvadoran sisters and mothers
... I had a feeling there was something more out there.  After El Salvador I knew there was.
... I had never stood on sacred ground where others had sacrificed their lives for their beliefs in something good, a better ways of being together and loving one another.
... I had never had to contemplate the profound horror of hundreds of innocent children slaughtered in a single place and a mother listening to the cries and pleas of her own children as it happened.
... I undervalued the power of women when we get together and share our stories
... I didn't know Oti, Lolo, Elizabeth, Karen, Oscar, and so many others...
... I only thought I knew what a broken heart was
... the world made some sense
... I thought I was old for my age
... I thought I knew a lot and was well informed
... I loved buying shoes and had a closet full of them
... I had rarely, if ever, shown my own brokenness, fear, sadness
... I was a different person

My host family in Ellacuria, El Salvador with Isabel, the bravest woman I know (Spring 2006)

Casa Spring 2007

Publish Your Diary

(Reading Let Me Stand Alone, the journals/writings of Rachel Corrie)

Rachel's got a fire in her belly.  She's an aries. I'm an aries.  I have a fire in my belly too.  I remember the first time I read her words, her journals, her questions and doubts, her passions, and I desired so much to know this girl in person.  We are very similar in many ways.  Rachel's Russia is my El Salvador.  I wonder if all artists think they are crazy?  I can't tell you how many writings I've composed over the years thinking I was raving mad, but so cool and composed on the outside.  My madness only showing through in my private journals where it was safe.  And it makes me wonder how much more I would love the people in the world if I could read all their journals, all their private thoughts.  That's how we realize how similar we really are.

Maybe the truth is I wouldn't have been Rachel's friend while she was alive.  Maybe I wouldn't have known how similar we really are because I would only have had what's on the outside to go off of.  Maybe I would have been intimidated by her like I am of so many people with passion, who live alternative lives, who dare to dream and follow those dreams.  And how many more people might I connect with if we all just opened our souls, put our works out their, especially that which we are most afraid and hide, and realize the profound truth that I am not alone, I never have been.  This person suffers and I suffer.  This person has dreams and hopes; so do I.  This person has fears, has demons they fight with, has a desire like I do sometimes to just run away from it all to a place that is completely new, completely different, where no one knows you and you have no responsibilities; you can just be whoever you want to be.  This person desires freedom as I desire to be free.

But instead for the most part we all pretend.  We pretend to be someone we aren't or feel something we don't.  Most of us are fabulous actors.  I always loved theater growing up.  It was a chance to escape, to be someone different.  I loved getting to put on a different character and have it be ok.  I didn't have to be this boring, smart, obedient, everything-is-perfectly-fine girl, that was my normal role.  I wanted something different, and found that in acting.  The stage is really just an extension or microcosm of larger society.  Anyone can act; they do it every day.

But what if we all took our masks off?  Maybe just for a day to try it out... We wouldn't have to pretend to be stronger or braver than we really are.  We wouldn't have to pretend to be dumber than our naturally brilliant selves.  We wouldn't have to pretend like the things that make us come alive aren't important, or aren't the best use of our time.  We wouldn't have to pretend to be all put together when we are falling apart.  We wouldn't have to pretend to be better or worse than anyone else.  We could all just be human together.  And know that just like me, my sister wants to be happy, my brother doesn't want to suffer.  We all want to be loved, but not for who we pretend to be, for who we really are.  Maybe if we all published books about our lives, our real lives: the stuff recorded in notebooks that we think no one will ever read, we would realize how much we really have in common, how much we really want to be friends, be in each others' lives.

In the discussion about community I participated in the other evening, what was most important or special about living in community for me was that a level of safety, trust, and love was established so that I could be vulnerable with a group of people in a way that I never had been before in my life.  We could share who we honestly were, and love each other even more because of that.  I think that may be the foundation for changing the world.  That... or publishing our diaries.

I'm baaaack....

I'm currently taking a writing class that meets once a week, and has been going for about 5 weeks now.  My class has a community blog that we encourage one another to post our writings on.  You can check it out at www.writingtowakeup.blogspot.com  Posting on there, reminded me that I once had a blog too. This blog.  So, I've been re-inspired to start writing here again.  Or post other things I read that I really like.  All of it is part of the journey, piedras en el camino.  So, on the off chance anyone still reads this, or might stumble across it in the future... ven conmigo en este camino de la vida! (join me on this path of life)