Why I don't share my writing/ Why I often just don't write anything...
Because
nothing ever feels complete. I just read over the piece I wrote on the
martyrs. I hate it. It's scrambled eggs. It is thrown together
thoughts from this place, and that book, and her story. It's not
complete. It's not coherent. It's scrambled eggs. And I don't want to
put it out there, to the world, if it's not perfect. And it never will
be. Nothing ever is. I can't say I honestly feel really content with
anything I've ever written or shared. I believe parts of it are good. I
think maybe you'll read it and think, well that line was really
powerful, or I like this story or image she shared. But the written
work in general, the complete piece.... no good. garbage even. There
were so many holes, more than swiss cheese. Maybe some parts were too
cheesy... or too preachy... or too sentimental. Maybe there will be too
many questions and not enough time for answers, not enough time to
explain myself. I could edit my work. But I don't think I would like
it any more or feel any more satisfied with the finished product. And
if I waited and edited and re-wrote until I thought it was complete, and
accurate, and I was thoroughly pleased.... it would never be
published. You wouldn't even be privileged to the half thoughts, and
run on sentences, and stream of conscious ramblings. If I think too
much about my writing, I go crazy, and drive myself into a deeper hole
of doubt and fear where my thoughts and writings stay buried. So I push
forward with feelings of unsettled stomach and doubting mind. I write,
and I'm sharing what I write. I think, and I put those thoughts out
there. They aren't everything, but they are something. I'm not trying
to sum up my entire being, life experience, world view, and/or personal
beliefs every time I share a thought. It is a part, never a whole, and
you need to accept that just as much as I do. To sit with the
uneasiness of imperfection, of empty spaces where maybe you want more
details. And I might change thoughts and words from one day to the
next, or one moment to the next. In the words of Whitman: "I'm large, I
contain multitudes." So no piece of writing will ever contain the
whole ocean, but maybe a drop of water is just as valuable and still
worth sharing - one drop at a time.
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