(Reading Let Me Stand Alone, the journals/writings of Rachel Corrie)
Rachel's got a fire in her belly. She's an aries. I'm an aries. I have
a fire in my belly too. I remember the first time I read her words,
her journals, her questions and doubts, her passions, and I desired so
much to know this girl in person. We are very similar in many ways.
Rachel's Russia is my El Salvador. I wonder if all artists think they
are crazy? I can't tell you how many writings I've composed over the
years thinking I was raving mad, but so cool and composed on the
outside. My madness only showing through in my private journals where
it was safe. And it makes me wonder how much more I would love the
people in the world if I could read all their journals, all their
private thoughts. That's how we realize how similar we really are.
Maybe the truth is I wouldn't have been Rachel's friend while she was
alive. Maybe I wouldn't have known how similar we really are because I
would only have had what's on the outside to go off of. Maybe I would
have been intimidated by her like I am of so many people with passion,
who live alternative lives, who dare to dream and follow those dreams.
And how many more people might I connect with if we all just opened our
souls, put our works out their, especially that which we are most afraid
and hide, and realize the profound truth that I am not alone, I never
have been. This person suffers and I suffer. This person has dreams
and hopes; so do I. This person has fears, has demons they fight with,
has a desire like I do sometimes to just run away from it all to a place
that is completely new, completely different, where no one knows you
and you have no responsibilities; you can just be whoever you want to
be. This person desires freedom as I desire to be free.
But instead for the most part we all pretend. We pretend to be someone
we aren't or feel something we don't. Most of us are fabulous actors. I
always loved theater growing up. It was a chance to escape, to be
someone different. I loved getting to put on a different character and
have it be ok. I didn't have to be this boring, smart, obedient,
everything-is-perfectly-fine girl, that was my normal role. I wanted
something different, and found that in acting. The stage is really just
an extension or microcosm of larger society. Anyone can act; they do
it every day.
But what if we all took our masks off? Maybe just for a day to try it
out... We wouldn't have to pretend to be stronger or braver than we
really are. We wouldn't have to pretend to be dumber than our naturally
brilliant selves. We wouldn't have to pretend like the things that
make us come alive aren't important, or aren't the best use of our
time. We wouldn't have to pretend to be all put together when we are
falling apart. We wouldn't have to pretend to be better or worse than
anyone else. We could all just be human together. And know that just
like me, my sister wants to be happy, my brother doesn't want to
suffer. We all want to be loved, but not for who we pretend to be, for
who we really are. Maybe if we all published books about our lives, our
real lives: the stuff recorded in notebooks that we think no one will
ever read, we would realize how much we really have in common, how much
we really want to be friends, be in each others' lives.
In the discussion about community I participated in the other evening,
what was most important or special about living in community for me was
that a level of safety, trust, and love was established so that I could
be vulnerable with a group of people in a way that I never had been
before in my life. We could share who we honestly were, and love each
other even more because of that. I think that may be the foundation for
changing the world. That... or publishing our diaries.